I just got this in my email. Talk about karma knowing I needed to lighten up.......

>>> SOME WISDOM FROM LARRY THE CABLE GUY
>>>
>>> 1. A day without sunshine is like night.
>>> 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
>>> 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
>>> 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
>>> 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
>>> 6. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
>>> 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
>>> 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
>>> 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
>>> 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
>>> 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
>>> 12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
>>> 13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
>>> 14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
>>> 15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
>>> 16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
>>> 17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
>>> 18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
>>> 19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
>>> 20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
>>> 21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?"
>>> 22. Just remember--if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
>>> 23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
>>> 24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.


Thanks, I needed that.

Joe B

Nice one. Here's what I have posted on my fridge to help cool me down sometimes.

"The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: Is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey – don't worry, don't be afraid ever, because this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up. We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter, because – it's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one. Here's what we can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money we spend on weapons and defenses each year and instead spend it feeding and clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, forever, in peace."

-Bill Hicks

Thanks psychotronic. I had some recent knee surgery and I've decided to stop taking the meds for pain because I don't like how they make me feel (ears ringing, lightheaded,etc.). Problem is the withdrawl is worst. Headaches, insomnia, the like. Thankfully the Dr says it should only last a week but it's been making me cranky so little quotes like the one I got in the email and yours take my mind off my mind for a while.

Thanks again, good thoughts.

Joe B

Psychotronic wrote on 10.04.2007 at 01:08:43:

..."The world is like a ride at an amusement park..."

That reminds me... I saw a video at

http://www.loadingreadyrun.com/videos/view/24/Life+is+Like+a+Movie

called Life is Like a movie. They talk about life being like something and then they talk about it being like an amusement park! This may not go with the topic, but it Psycho reminded me with that line in the quote...

:P

P.S. That site has many funny movies some of you might enjoy! They just make random movies about random things and make then funny! :P

Don't say that word! ...insomnia... I get that all the time!

Oh man, don't get me started. I have so much stuff on my hard drive that I've saved from emails over the years, it's not funny. Here's a good one.

---

Courtroom Capers

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court."  They're things people actually
said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what
ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget.  Can you give us an
example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son--the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I
can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And
where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the
accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years.  I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult? A:
We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes. Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: And what were
you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were
there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did
they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you? A: I went to
Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it
terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent
to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to? A: Oral.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: You were not shot in the fracas [noisy fight]? A: No, I was shot midway between
the fracas and the navel.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies
are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around
8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the
table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q:
Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q:
So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A:
No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk
in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is
possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Those are hilarious. Here's another:

Abbott and Costello

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on... If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START"............

Very funny !!!   ;D :D ;D

(All of the above....)

;D
Remembers me of one of my first lessons in English.

A: What's your name?
B: Watt is my name.
A: Yes, what's your name?
etc.

Ha ha ha. I don't get it! ;D (Im talking about all this jokes you're all saying)

You guys crack me up.

But Freddy... :o..."What" and "Watt" use a different "a" sound! Or at least, *I* pronounce them differently; that may not actually be grammatically correct.

Here's one that's not funny, but it IS soothing. I watched the movie, thinking it was (impressive) CGI; then I read the description below it; apparently it's real... :o

http://www.kodama.hc.uec.ac.jp/spiral/

ryos wrote on 11.04.2007 at 02:39:45:

"What" and "Watt" use a different "a" sound!

In a matter of fact, in perfect English from Cambridge or Oxford they say: "hwat"!

Abott and costello always crack me up!!! ;D :D

I used to listen to the "Who's on First?" sketch when I was going to sleep at night. I had the whole thing memorized for a while. Good stuff.

Here's another one. Want more? Like I said, I got tons of this stuff.

--------------

Classified Ads (Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go
anywhere again.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks
included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and
salary.

Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home,
too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the
job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns
toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home

"What is mind? It doesn't matter. What is matter? Never mind." - Homer Simpson

"So Shut Up, Live, Travel, Adventure, Bless, And Don't Be Sorry." - Jack Kerouac

(My favorite is from the Eglin Eagle...)  "For Sale: 2000 pound wench."

One more... and this one has some good advice!

---

I've seen quite alot of those around my house at hallowe'en... :P ::)

I've got a joke...

One day, a newfoundlander (a person from a place in Canada where lots of people think they talk strangly) was on a plane. And I lawyer who sat beside him wanted to play a question game with him that involves money. The newfy (Short for newfoundlander) doesn't want to.

Lawyer: Cmon, this will be fun!
Newfy: No, I want to sleep.
Lawyer: I'll tell you the rules. I'll ask you a question and if you can't answer is you give me $5.
The newfy snorts and tries to go back to sleep thinking it's a bad game.
Lawer: And if you ask me a question and I can't answer it, I give you $500.
The newfy perks up abit.
Newfy: I guess that sounds fair. I'll give it o' shot. You go first.
Lawyer: Ok! Who killed JF King?
Newfy: How do you expect me to know that? I'm Canadian!
So the newfy pulls out $5 and gives it to him.
Newfy: Ok. My turn...
The newfy thinks for abit.
Newfy: Ok, what goes up a hill on 4 legs and down on 5?
The lawyer thinks for a moment. He goes onto his laptop computer and looked it up. Nothing. Then he googled it. No luck. Then he called his smart friends, they didn't know. Then he e-mail some friends. They all replyed not knowing.
Lawyer: Ok, I miss-judged you.
And gives him $500 out of his briefcase.
The newfy thought, "Wow, this is the easiest money I made since I tricked that bum!"
Then the newfy starts going back asleep.
Lawyer: ...-wait, aren't you going to tell me?
Newfy: Tell you what?
Layer: What goes up hill on 4 wheels and down on 5!
Then the newfy thinks for a moment and reaches into his pocket and gives him $5.

:P;D

When I heard this on first, it really cracked me up. May not be on topic, but who cares.

Haha, good one!

I messed up abit on the lawyer's question. Read it again its in bold. It's funnier! :P